4 Tips For Having a Threesome
Threesomes are a very popular fantasy. Whether you're a couple or a single person that fantasizes about threesomes, if you’re thinking about making it a reality there are lots of things to consider.
It’s easy to get excited about more bodies, but there will also be more desires and more needs to manage. Threesomes are about group sex, group pleasure, and group communication. Here are 4 things to consider when thinking about a threesome.
What counts as a threesome?
Threesomes are when three people engage in sexual or erotic activities. You can have people participating in different ways, for example—two people watching while one person masturbates. Depending on your definition of 'sex', threesomes can vary in interpretation. It's great to keep an open mind about what a threesome can look like, because some types of threesomes might feel intimidating or unsafe, but thinking about different ways to participate erotically can open up options that can make everyone involved feel more confident and sexy.
Decide what activities are on the menu and which ones are off. Is kissing ok? Anal sex? Cuddling? Kink? Etc. Couples can enjoy threesomes as a one-off to add excitement to their sex life, or as a regular part of their dynamic to fulfill desire.
A couple's pursuit of a threesome might be about watching your partner get pleasured, being watched by your partner, teaming up to pleasure another person, to fulfill fantasies that require more than one other body, or to explore sex with someone together who is different—of a different gender or personality or body type for example.
Single people might want to engage in a threesome for a variety of reasons. They may want to have a threesome to explore group sex, to fulfill fantasies that involve more than two people, to delight in being invited into the affection of a couple's dynamic, to explore voyeurism/exhibitionism, to explore different ways of having sex, to be in a sexual dynamic with double the amount of hands, mouths and genitals, and to spice up their own sex life with something new.
What sexual health considerations are important to you?
Discuss safer-sex needs beforehand with everyone involved to understand what will make everyone feel secure. Decide together what barriers (e.g. condoms, gloves, dental dams) are important to everyone and what sexual activities are on the table for everyone. Will condoms be used for giving blow jobs? Will gloves be used for fingering? Will dental dams be used for oral sex on vulvas and anuses? What you like in other sexual situations might not be what you are comfortable with in a threesome situation, and it's worth talking it out.
Have conversations that include talking about recent sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing and read up on what sexual activities have the potential for transmission of STIs so you can make informed choices about the levels of risk you're assuming. Remember that fingers, toys, mouths and genitals are all places where fluids and bacteria can be exchanged.
If you’re using double-ended dildos or sharing vibrators, it’s easy to lose track of what’s been in whose body. It's important to be intentional about managing fluid swapping even when wearing barriers like condoms or gloves—each time you switch penetration to a different body, you'll need a new condom/glove.
What could go wrong in your threesome?
Discuss things that make you anxious and things that make you excited about the threesome fantasy.
For example: you might be really excited to watch your partner pleasure someone else, but you might feel anxious when they are cuddling someone else. Jealousy is a common feeling that can come up when couples start to explore threesomes, and that's ok! Jealousy can be explored—ask yourself what specific moments do you imagine feeling jealous in? What would make you feel more secure in those moments? Do you feel guilty about being jealous? Communication before, during, and after is important.
What if you’re having a threesome for your partner? It's ok to support your partner's fantasy and get pleasure out of seeing them get pleasure—as long as it isn't with an intention of sacrificing your own emotional and physical safety for the sake of someone else. Make it clear that this is how you're going into taking a threesome fantasy into reality so that expectations are also clear. When you're honest about your intentions, it also gives you a chance to speak up about what would be sexy for you, what you're comfortable with, and what you're going to be getting off to.
Having a threesome for your partner because you're worried they'll leave you if you don't, or because you feel guilty or obligated isn't a good mindset to start from and can lead to confusion, conflict, and disappointment for everyone involved.
Discuss boundaries for everyone and think about what everyone needs to feel emotionally and physically safe. If you aren’t comfortable with certain activities, let the rest of the threesome know so those boundaries can be respected.
Where will you look for a threesome?
Finding a trustworthy third requires effort and communication. It's easy to think about threesomes as a collection of bodies, but it's also a collection of desires, personalities, emotions, and needs. Going slow allows for more time for communication, build up, teasing, and learning how to meet someone's desires.
Some people meet online or within their existing friend networks or through in-person social situations. It's important to make sure you look for like-mindedness about sexual health, communication, and boundaries.
Some people enjoy having threesomes with people they already know—this has advantages and disadvantages. Advantages include: already knowing your personalities get along well, having a sense of chemistry, and some level of trust already established. Disadvantages include: your friendship might be at risk if things get awkward in the threesome, you might feel a loss of discretion by having someone you already know and you might feel uncomfortable blurring the lines of intimacy within your relationships. It's ok to discuss insecurities, worries, and fears with everyone involved as you're planning your threesome.
Another option is to hire a sex worker to help you fulfill your fantasy. Bringing in a sex worker helps to create distinct lines between the threesome relationship, and supports your fantasy the way you want it. For some people this provides a safer way of containing the fantasy emotionally.
Want to learn more about threesomes? Read Tips for Taking Your Group Sex Fantasy into Reality on the Good for Her Blog. Another great resource is The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes book.
