Dear CoCo,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and a few weeks ago we had sex for the first time.  I was a virgin so it really was the first time for me he has a little more experience.  Well, it turns out that I love having sex with my boyfriend.  He’s great in bed and everything we do feels amazing… except for one thing - the actual penetration part.  Every time we do that it ends in disaster.  Either I’m underwhelmed or worse, it’s really painful.  I’d really like to enjoy all aspects of sex with my boyfriend but it seems like I’m never going to like penetration.  Is there anything I can do to get better at sex?

Foreplay Is Fun Initially

Hi FIFI,

Ok, Take a deep breath!  Everything’s going to be all right.  Girl, you are not alone.

It’s important that you know that there are a lot of women out there who don’t find penetration sex to be all it’s cracked up to be.  In fact it’s estimated that as much as 75% of the female population does not orgasm from penetration alone.  Most of our nerve endings are concentrated in the clitoris which is often understimulated during intercourse.  The vagina has relatively few nerve endings and isn’t as big a deal for most women.  Pain during intercourse is also more common than you’d think.  Luckily there are some things you can try to make penetration feel better.

1.  Masturbate or use a vibrator on your clitoris during penetration.  This will mean that both you and your partner are getting the pleasure you deserve.  After all fair is fair.  Why should he get off when you don’t?

2. Make sure you are ready for intercourse and totally turned on.  The vagina becomes more elastic as you become aroused and it actually lengthens and balloons out at the back to make penetration easier.  Pound for pound women have just as much genital erectile tissue as men (ours is just internal) so you should BOTH get hard before you even think about penetration.

3.  Get lubed up! Some women naturally produce enough lubrication to make sex slippery and comfortable but some of us do not.  Even women who get really juicy won’t necessarily be able produce an adequate amount every time they have sex.  The amount of lubrication we produce changes from day to day depending on a lot of different factors (horomones, hydration etc…).  Try using a store-bought lubricant to reduce friction and make penetration more comfortable.  There are lots to choose from so it’s all about personal preference and finding the one you like best.  You can check some out here.

4. Try different positions.  The position used during intercourse can greatly affect how comfortable and pleasurable it feels.  Experiment with positions that give you more control like ”woman on top” or ones that stimulate your g-spot like ”doggy-style”.  You can learn more about positions here or here.

5.  Explore your g-spot! Many women find that stimulating the g-spot during intercourse is a great way to get more feeling during intercourse.  You might want to try looking for it first with a toy or your partner’s fingers to see whether or not you enjoy the sensation.  Remember that it can take some getting used to and it may not feel pleasurable right away.  Many women say that when they first feel their g-spot it makes them feel like they need to pee!  Don’t worry though, you won’t pee BUT some women will experience a “female ejaculation” during which a clear odorless fluid is expelled from the urethra.  This is sometimes accompanied by an orgasm but not necessarily.  The G-Spot itself is actually a sponge that wraps around your urethra and fills with fluid as you become aroused.  As it swells it hangs lower and can be accessed by putting pressure against the front wall of the vagina.  This is why curved toys or a partner doing the “come here” motion with his finger work especially well for stimulating it.  You might want to learn more about it here or here.

6.  Focus less on intercourse.  There are many couples who, for many different reasons, choose not to make penetration the focus or end goal of their sexual interaction.  It is perfectly possible to have a full and fulfilling sex life without it.  Do more of the things you like that feel good and explore different ways of adding pleasure and stimulation for your partner as well.  The sky’s the limit when it comes to sexual pleasure and intercourse is only one small part of that.  A part that often gets more prominence in our sex lives than it necessarily deserves.  Even if you don’t want to give up on the idea of pain-free sex, taking intercourse off the menu for a little while can be a really good thing.  It tones down the pressure and guilt that often accompanies these situations and frees you up to enjoy, explore and experiment.

If these suggestions aren’t helping you might want to check in with your doctor about conditions like vaginismus that can lead to pelvic pain during intercourse.  Vaginismus can usually be conquered with some time, patience and a set of graduated vaginal exercisers.  This website has some helpful info about the condition.  Good Luck!

Got a question?  You can send queries to CoCo here.