Orgasms, orgasms and more orgasms.
Can sex be an acquired taste?
Question:
I'm female, 23 and have never had sex nor have I ever found someone whom I've wanted to have sex with. I've got quite a low sex drive. I can't even imagine sex being all that good. When I start having sex will my drive increase? Is there anything I can do to get myself wanting to start?
— Wondering...
Answer:
Dear Wondering:
Do you masturbate? If you don't, I would suggest giving it a go. It can be great fun and can get your sexual engines moving. Another thing to try is watching good porn or reading some erotica.
Otherwise, your lack of sex drive could be for a lot of reasons. You might have low testosterone, which you can get checked out by your doctor. You may have a hard time getting blood to your genital area. Try doing physical activity and then masturbating while blood is circulating well throughout your body.
It may be that your assumptions about sex not being all that good prevent you from fully feeling your sexual potential. You might want to look at how you feel about sex, as our psychological perspective makes a big difference on our physiological responses. If I did not think that volleyball was all that much fun, that would not give you incentive to try it out.
There are also many products on the market, both herbal and pharmaceutical that some people are satisfied with. As far as books go, check out For Women Only - it's a good book that outlines various types of sexual dissatisfaction and treatment options.
To answer your first question, I also do think that sex can be an acquired taste. Although I felt arousal before I was sexually active, I was intimidated by what sex was supposed to be about and how to do it and what was sexy and what was expected. And as we get older, there is even more performance pressure because we are supposed to be experienced by then. So you can try on that theory too and see if it works for you.
Difficulty Reaching Orgasm
Question:
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. We have had a faithful and loving marriage. I find it very hard to orgasm and have struggled with this for several years now. I know that it takes many women longer than it takes men but I find this very frustrating. I need a lot of warming up and my husband seems to get bored. We have some toys that I bought from your store but I struggle to help him know how to help me get excited. I work in a fairly demanding job and have trouble relaxing.
Please advise! I have been wondering about your workshops. Would the Tantra seminars be worthwhile for a couple of old married types?
— I don't get no satisfaction!
Answer:
I empathize with you on struggling with the length of time it takes to orgasm. Some of us are simply built this way, and a demanding job is not going to help. I think that you need to take the lead on getting yourself unstressed before you start engaging with your husband, otherwise you are going to continually get the same response. And you need to both plan for erotic encounters to last a nice chunk of time — quickies are not going to be satisfying for you all the time. This may mean planning erotic time on the weekends in the morning or afternoon, or starting to get sexual with each other by 7 or 8pm at night, while you still have some energy. If you have kids, you will have additional, but not impossible, time challenges.
You can also try building erotic energy through the day by fantasizing during a break or wearing sexy lingerie under your work clothes. When you get home, take a bath, meditate for 10 minutes, watch or read some porn, do a workout or run around a few blocks — whatever it takes for you to unwind from work and be fully present and focused on the relationship. I imagine that at that point, it will be easier to get aroused. You can certainly jump-start that process by spending some erotic time alone, with or without toys. Of course, this can be divine in and of itself (and he may enjoy watching). When you join with him, you might want to focus on soft, sensual, full-body touch. This will gradually build arousal at a pace that might work better for you. The two videos, Female Genital Massage and Male Genital Massage are definitely worth renting or purchasing to give you some tips on how to do that. And as you begin to explore through having more sexual time to spend together, you might discover certain things help your arousal, which you can then ask for from him. And without the pressure of time, it may be easier for you to stress to him that you might need more attention than he does for the same results. Maybe he can use a vibrator on you, either all the way to orgasm or only for the first part.
Certainly our workshop on Tantra will help you with some more tools for that as well, such as breath work and kegel muscle exercises. The full-day workshop is great for outlining how to build erotic space together. You may also be interested in The Thrill is Back!, a workshop for longtime couples looking to rekindle the erotic spark in their relationships.
Another resource is a new book called For Women Only. It outlines case studies and treatments for women who have experienced dissatisfaction with arousal, desire or arousal. Testosterone cream or viagara might help. You can use their questionnaire at www.newshe.com to determine what might be the best solution for you. In addition, we now carry Viacreme, a topical creme for enhancing genital sensation. Trial and error might help you find a solution that works for you.
This may all sound like work, but keeping the erotic side of a relationship (among other aspects) alive needs nurturing. Have fun on your adventure!
I've never had an orgasm during sex
Question:
I am 18 years old and I have never had an orgasm during sex. I don't know if its the positions or what but anymore I find sex boring. I know it pleases my boyfriend but that's the only reason I do it. I haven't told him I have never had an orgasm because I don't want him to think it is his fault. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Answer:
Most women do not orgasm from penetration! You said "during sex" and I assume you mean intercourse. Most women enjoy clitoral stimulation with or without internal stimulation of the vagina. You may want to try to practice on your own and see what you find pleasurable. Many women experience their fist orgasms from self-pleasure. Some use vibrators to provide more stimulation. Some women need the extra power of the vibration in order to orgasm.
You could have a look at some informative books, such as Sex For One, For Yourself, Becoming Orgasmic, and The Big O to learn more about learning to orgasm. There are also great instructional videos for women to watch alone or with their partners. The Incredible G-spot will teach you how to make intercourse more interesting and pleasurable for you. Fire in the Valley: Female Genital Massage will teach you all sorts of genital strokes that you can use on your own or with your boyfriend. You may consider telling him that you are having difficulty with orgasms and that you would like to work on it with him. He may want to explore with you ways to make sexual intercourse more pleasurable for you.
How can I make my orgasms last longer?
Question:
Hurraaaaay! I found my g-spot, thanks to this website, and had what I believe was my first g-spot orgasm (self-stimulated, I might add. Yeah me!) That aside, my question is how can I make my orgasms last longer?
Answer:
Congratulations on finding your G-Spot! Many women find that they experience many different types or orgasms which vary in intensity, length and frequency. You may want to try reaching orgasms in different ways and stimulating different areas. Stimulating the entire area around the vulva, including the clitoris, vagina and labia can bring on a variety of orgasmic sensations.
TIPS: Breathe consciously and deeply. Don't contract muscles and try to let the erotic energy fill your entire body. Keep pressure going in the area during orgasm - don't stop stimulation - this will allow you to feel the sensations longer.
The video Celebrating Orgasm by Betty Dodson has some great advice along with visuals on how to prolong orgasms.
How can I increase my sex drive?
Question:
First of all — great site! I have not yet been to your location, but am planning to visit soon.
I have a question about sex drive. The problem is, I seem to have a very low one. I have been married for 6 years and my lack of sex drive is now posing a serious threat to an otherwise fabulous relationship.
I realize that a low sex drive is partly psychological (being brought up in a house where my parents showed no emotion whatsoever does not help, I'm sure) and partly physiological and I would like to know what I can do to increase it.
Is there medication I should look into, should I see a therapist, should I get really good at pretending I have a sex drive until a real one kicks in...??? Please help!
— Desiring desire
Answer:
Glad you like our site! Sorry you are having trouble with your sex drive. It is such a common problem for us women.
I recently read the book For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming your Sex Life. It is written by a sister team, one who is an MD and the other a psychologist. I found it to be very good for deciphering what might be the real issue and for explaining types of treatments. They talk about the value of sex therapy for issues that you struggle with as an individual or in the relationship. They discuss the value of topical testosterone and L-Arginine. They find that Viagra works for a limited number of women. And even vigorous exercise can help (running around the block releases blood to ALL areas of the body). Although we do not have the book listed on the site yet, you can still order it through us. Or this would be a great opportunity to stop by to check us out.
We also have a product called Viacreme. It is new on the market and claims to help women achieve better orgasms and improve desire. We don't have a whole lot to back it up as yet, but for those willing to try, it is available for $19.85, which works for about 5 love-making sessions.
I also find that love-making can shift over time and the type of love that we share can vary. Assuming that we can sustain the passionate drive after 6 years can lead to disappointment. Tantric sexuality has a lot to offer for expanding and enhancing our sexual experience, giving a renewal to a lot of couples and individuals. We have books (like Tantra: the Art of Conscious Lovemaking), a great video (Ancient Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy) and a well-received workshop (Diving into Ecstasy). You might want to also explore one of these options which can build some 6-year-old passion. Looking forward to seeing you!
How do I get my boyfriend to give me an orgasm?
Question:
I have a problem with getting an orgasm from my boyfriend... when I masturbate, I usually focus on the area above my labia minora, and it works. But I don't know how my boyfriend could do this, and also I think my labia minora is too big. How do I get him to give me an orgasm?
Answer:
The key here is that you know how to please yourself. Communication is important if you want your partner to please you in the same way. If you masturbate in front of him, you can show him how, where, and how fast or slow you like to be stimulated. You can then either try to talk him through it or show him by putting your hand over his so he can feel exactly what you do to yourself. You could also stimulate yourself, as many women do during intercourse.
Secondly, women's anatomies are all very different. Labia minora can be very thin and small or large and ruffly or anything in-between. Femalia is a beautiful book which has pictures of many different women's genitals, and it may comfort you to see all of the different visuals. I do not think that the size of your labia are getting in the way of him being able to pleasure you.
How do I make my girlfriend orgasm?
Question:
How do i make my girlfriend orgasm?
- John
Answer:
It sounds as though you are more concerned about yourself than about your girlfriend! Lots of women have a hard time achieving orgasm and the added pressure from a lover does not help (believe me, I know). She may need to spend some time exploring on her own. You could assist her by getting her a Hitachi Magic Wand, which has helped many a woman discover her first orgasm. Betty Dodson's video "Selfloving" is also great for women to become more comfortable with their bodies which helps to open up to orgasm.
The other thing that might help is for you to prepare yourself for the possibility that she will not be able to orgasm through penetration alone, as many of us do not. Stimulating her G-spot through penetration will improve her abilities to orgasm that way, but is not guaranteed. Supporting her regardless of how she does or does not orgasm, including the possibility that she may need a vibrator even when you are together, will go a long way to improving your sex life, not to mention your relationship.
My partner has never ejaculated inside me
Question:
I've been with my partner for two years, and he has never ejaculated inside of me. In fact he has never achieved an ejaculation having vaginal intercourse; only when he masturbates, can he can achieve an ejaculation. We thought it was condoms, but since last year we have had sex without condoms to no effect. I don't take it personally, since he does enjoy our sex life, but I wonder if his inability to orgasm though intercourse is physical or psychological.
— L.C.
Answer:
Dear L.C.,
It is great that this issue has not taken over the joy you share together, be either psychological, physical or both. If both of you can take the pressure off the performance by reassuring him that it is okay if he does not ejaculate during vaginal intercourse, he may eventually be able to do so. It could work against him for there to be such a concern over when and how he ejaculates.
Physically, it might be that he is used to a certain type of stimulation in order to orgasm. He may be habituated to what his own hand does. He can get so used to the feel, rhythm, and pressure of his own hand that intercourse will not feel "right" and he will not get stimulated enough. One thing that might help is for him to not masturbate for a few weeks and receive only oral and/or vaginal stimulation on his penis. In this way, he can get out of his habitual manner (which is not bad, just different) and learn a new type of stimulation. You can also help by adding more pressure on his penis through stronger manual stimulation (try to imitate his grip or have him put his hand over yours). Or you can try to strengthen your vaginal muscles to enhance the sensation during intercourse. This may not necessarily help his ejaculation, especially if what is happning is more psychological (see below), but it will certainly give him more pleasure and you better orgasms in the meantime.
You can strengthen the muscles by practicing contracting and relaxing those muscles around your urethra and vagina (you can find them if you try to stop the stream of urine while urinating) three times a day for 10 or more repetitions. Some women like to use a special tool such as the Kegelcisor for this purpose.
He may be expereincing performance anxiety- his concern about not ejaculating inside of you may inhibit his ability to do so each time. Or he may be focused on your pleasure and feels as though he needs to spend a lot of time making sure you are happy and thus ignores his own needs for fear of being selfish. The harder he tries to concentrate on pleasing you, the harder it is for him to become aroused enough to ejaculate.
You may also want to consider whether or not there is a fear of pregnancy on his part since you are not using condoms. If it is not helping to be having sex without condoms, you may considering using them again if he needs extra assurance that you will not become pregnant. Or you could try the Reality Female Condom, which you put inside your vagina and protects both of you without a need for him to wear one.
Finally, there may be a different psychological barrier for him. A good therapist should be able to help him work through some good questions about his sexual history and beliefs and attitudes to find something hidden that holds him back. Are you able to manually stimulate him to orgasm? Has he been able to ejaculate inside anyone else? Has he had any odd experiences during intercourse?
Try and explore some of these possibilities but keep things light and try not to focus on his ejaculation. Otherwise he may feel performance anxiety. If he feels comfortable and relaxed he may be able to learn new ways to experience his orgasms.
My partner has never ejaculated inside me, part 2
Question:
I've seen a similar question as mine on your site, and I'm hoping the same answer applies to me. But..I just thought I'd ask to make sure.
My husband of almost 2 years and I are ready have conceive a child. But we are having a problem. He has been programmed all his life not to ejaculate inside a woman due to obvious reasons. There have been one or two times when he has actually done this when I was on the pill. But 99.8% of the time he ejaculates when I manually or orally stimulate him. That has been completely wonderfully fine for us up till now. We've been very happy w/ our sex life. But, we've tried a couple times, but to no avail. I've tried to orally stimulate him up till "that point" and continue vaginally, but he loses it by the time I lay down and he tries. Which is something he's never had a problem with before. He says it will probably take awhile to convince his brain that it's okay to do it, and that he feels a little pressured.
I guess my question is this..Do you think it's just the pressure/ programming as he said..or something more? And if it is just the pressure/ programming.. what can we do to help him along and releive this pressure? I've told him I understand...and we'll work through it. But, obviously as we're trying to conceive, it's a small problem.
Any advice, information or technique you have to share would be much appreciated. Thank You.
Answer:
I'm glad that you already checked out our advice column and the reply to "My partner has never ejaculated inside me" . I cannot offer much more advice. Trying to take the pressure off is very hard, it may take some time for him to allow himself to let go and react in a different way to years of forming a habit of not ejaculating. You could reassure him that he is fine the way he is and to not worry whether he ejaculates or not. You can also help him to be present while you have intercourse- remind him gently to be in touch with how his penis and the rest of his body feels by asking him to describe what he is feeling, by touching him in a way that he will know is bringing him into the present. Otherwise if he is stuck in his head and fears, it will be hard to re-program his reactions. Also, I think it is worthwhile suggesting that he avoids all other types of stimulation for a period of time- he might start to have a new association with vaginal stimulation enough to orgasm (no more manual , oral, or masturbation)if that is the only sensation he feels. If you strengthen your vaginal muscles through p.c. muscle squeezes he may feel more physical pleasure, but bear in mind that it is almost impossible for a vagina to replicate the speed and pressure of a hand-job.
It is possible that there are some other psychological elements to this situation - his ejaculation is required to conceive a baby. If he is having any anxiety about having children , this could also be making if more difficult to ejaculate into you.
If you find that these strategies of helping him orgasm during intercourse are adding more stress to the situation rather than helping, then let go of the need for him to ejaculate inside of you and instead try ejaculating into a cup. Use a needle-less syringe to then put the sperm inside your vagina. He can perform oral or other types of stimulation to bring you to orgasm once the sperm is inside you. (Don't worry if you don't get it all into the cup. When people are inseminated in a sperm clinic, they are given about one sixth of an ejaculate- there is plenty in there to fertilize an egg. )Once you are pregnant, or at times of the month when you are sure you are not fertile, then you can go back to the project of him learning to ejaculate inside.
I hope that things get easier but don't have expectations of instant success. It took many years to form this habit so it might take a while to form a new one.
Good Luck!
Orgasm from Penetration Alone?
Question:
Question: I can't seem to climax during penetration only. Is there anything I can do to fix that?
— Need Help
Answer:
Dear Need Help,
Statistics tell us that 70% of us do not orgasm from penetration alone. What you can do is try to angle the dildo or penis to hit your g-spot. This means getting it to hit the front wall of your vagina and pulling out almost all of the way before going back in again. Doggie style is great as long as a partner is taller than you or positioned higher. The video The Incredible G-spot is a great one for really seeing how to do it in different positions.
You can alternatively try making sure that your partner's pubic bone bumps up against your clitoris. Or one of you can stimulate your clitoris with a finger or a vibrator. A very popular product here is the Bump and Grind. It is a small vibrator that fits on a penis or dildo that bumps up against your clitoris during penetration. And a penis-owner will feel pleasure to boot from the vibration and the cock-ring sensation. Another option is the Venus Butterfly which sits against your clitoris so that your hands are relatively free to do other things.
Hope this helps.
Premature Ejaculation
Question:
I am recently married to my boyfriend and we never had full blown sex till our wedding night. Now when we have sex he ejaculates very early and then he loses his errection and I am left unsatisfied. Though he satisfies me by other means, I want him to retain his erection. Could I apply some lotion by which he could sustain his hardness? I love him a lot and do not want him to feel about it. Please advise.
- J.D.
Answer:
Your concern is very common. Many men are rapid ejaculators. It is going to be hard to prolong his erection without talking to him and working on it together. There are simple and very satisfying ways that you can work together in prolonging his erection. He needs to know when he is getting close to stopping and either stops stimulation of his penis, or either of you can squeeze his penis just under the corona (head) or at the base. Many couples have found this to work very well. The book The New Male Sexuality is very good for describing this technique in further detail. Because you need his cooperation in this matter, you could perhaps phrase it in a way that both he as well as you would get increased pleasure from trying this together. It is also a great way to become closer emotionally.
There are products that are de-sensitizers, but my experience is that they vary in quality. Moreover, I would not want the desensitizer inside my vagina, unless it was covered by a condom.
The feelings fade before I can reach orgasm
Question:
What advice would you give to someone who thinks she's never had an orgasm? I have a very healthy libido in terms of how often I get aroused. I masturbate, I use vibrators and toys, I read, I experiment with pretty much anything. I don't drink or use drugs and there's physically nothing wrong with me. I'm 30 years old and have had several loving partners who have been supportive in trying to help, but nothing seems to work. It all feels really, really good but at some point the sensations just ebb away... that can't be all there is to it, can it?
— Confused
Answer:
Dear Confused,
It sounds as if you are enjoying the sexual stimulation that you receive from your own touch as well as from your partners. Sometimes if we expect too much or strive to reach a specific goal we move farther away from it. Please refer to the answers to the above four questions as well as the book and video references.
As for the sensations ebbing away, this may only be temporary. You may have over stimulated the area which can happen when stimulating the same area for prolonged lengths of time. You may need to take a break or switch to a different type of stimulation for 5-15minutes and allow the blood to re-circulate and then you can return to the area again. Or you have reached the plateau phase, where the stimulation increases steadily and then remains constant for a period of time. Orgasm can be a sudden surge at a certain point after that, if you get enough intensity. Sometimes the stimulation can be all your body can take and you have what is called a premature orgasm. It is not quite as satisfying yet has a releasing quality.
A powerful vibrator, such as the Magic Wand, will give you more stimulation so that you can get to the point of orgasm more easily. Sometimes it is even necessary for the first few times to use a vibe to overcome the mental energy that we exert in trying to figure out what the orgasm is supposed to feel like, especially when we have been trying for a long time.
What does an orgasm feel like?
Question:
What does an orgasm feel like? I'm 19 and I'm not sure if I've ever had one, I think I have almost but I always tell him to stop when I start feeling too out of control. What is supposed to happen, how do I know?
— Wendy-Lou
Answer:
Dear Wendy-Lou,
Your question is so common. I also felt like I was not sure if I was having orgasms when I started having sex. What you are describing sounds to me like what I call a release, also known as a premature orgasm. There is tensing up in the body that releases before the point of climax. I would suggest trying to orgasm on your own first. That way you do not have to fear being out of control with someone else as a witness. You can learn and feel what that is like in private. If you cannot orgasm with your fingers, try using a Magic Wand. It is great for those of us who have a hard time getting there, especially for the first time. Make sure that you keep your leg and stomach muscles relaxed. This will help the erotic energy to flow better. The sensation of orgasm I find is on the verge of pleasure and pain, with pelvic contractions that ripple.
Once you can orgasm on your own, then you can also try with your partner. Do not expect that this will happen from penetration alone. Many of us also need clitoral stimulation. Lots of people use a vibrator in partner sex. Good luck.